“I wonder if the last thing a dead squirrel in a road thought was “I can make it!””

“If Pinocchio said that his nose grew every time he told the truth, he could’ve lied to everyone.”

“It’s weird how TV episodes usually have names but TV seasons never do.”

“Swimming is one of the only sports where coaches tell you to breathe less instead of more.”

“There is a chance that the sensitivity of testicles is a product of evolution. The cavemen who were not as protective took damage thus lowered their chances to reproduce. Was there a breed of numb balls at some point?”

“There are a lot more cats named Tom than mice named Jerry.”

“I don’t like to go to sleep because it’s difficult to find a comfortable sleeping position. I also don’t like to get up in the morning because this means I have to abandon the perfect sleeping position I’ve spent so much time searching for.”

“Testicles can turn a man on and off depending on how hard they’re touched.”

“Every glass of water you drink carries an avalanche of molecules that once sloshed through a dinosaur.”

“The only thing standing between me and exercise is sitting.”

“When you wake up to roll over in bed, it’s like changing the channels on the dreams you’re having.”

“Everyone should have to experience a simulation of what going through a crash on the highways feels like before they get a license.”

“The average lifespan is 76 years. Middle age isn’t 50 – it’s 38.”

“If time travel was possible, “moments” would get crowded with tourism.”

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