“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

“People tell me I’m condescending…”

Leans in real close

“That means I talk down to people. “

I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.

A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

I have an L shaped couch… Lower case.

You’ve gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

You’d have to be really low to pickpocket a midget.

Am I the only one who realizes that blackboards are truly remarkable?

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I was so surprised when the stationary store moved

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex, last night, she called me from the motel.

I need constant reassurance, right?

How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning? All the red flags.

Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as I thought i was?

Alcoholics don’t run in my family – they mostly stumble around and bump into things.

I deleted all my German friends from my phone

Now it’s hans free.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I knew this guy who opened an origami business… but then it folded.

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