“Granny Wendy: So… your adventures are over.

Peter: Oh, no. To live… to live would be an awfully big adventure.”

“Gentlemen, welcome to Fight Club. The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you DO NOT talk about Fight Club! Third rule of Fight Club: someone yells “stop!”, goes limp, taps out, the fight is over.

Fourth rule: only two guys to a fight. Fifth rule: one fight at a time, fellas. Sixth rule: No shirts, no shoes. Seventh rule: fights will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule: if this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight.”

“I know now why you cry. But it is something I can never do.”

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you.”

“Listen, Rose. You’re gonna get out of here, you’re gonna go on and you’re gonna make lots of babies, and you’re gonna watch them grow. You’re gonna die an old… an old lady warm in her bed, not here, not this night. Not like this, do you understand me?”

“My momma always said, “Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

“Hakuna Matata!”

“I made my family disappear!”

“Oh, look. Another glorious morning. Makes me sick!”

” Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines.

You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know; that Santiago’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, *saves lives*. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall.

You need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it!

I would rather you just said “thank you” and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a *damn* what you think you are entitled to!”

“Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler…”

“I see dead people.”

“Ernest Hemingway once wrote, ‘The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.’ I agree with the second part.” 

“That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.”

“Now I wanna dance, I wanna win. I want that trophy, so dance good…”

“Are you crying? There’s no crying! There’s no crying in baseball!

“You’re killin’ me, Smalls” 

“Life’s a b*tch, now so am I.”

“Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?”

“Do you like scary movies?”

“Get busy livin’, or get busy dyin’”

“Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.”

“Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn’t one today.”

“Nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. I’m the Dude, man.” 

“Congratulations. You’ve just won gold, silver, and bronze in the Morons Olympics!”

“Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this… and totally redeem yourself.”

“How do you like them apples?” 

“Don’t let anyone, ever, make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want.”

“If there’s any kind of magic in this world… it must be in the attempt of understanding someone.” 

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FOX5 host: “Don’t you think you went too far with Catholic Church jokes?”
Bill Burr: “Don’t you think the Catholic Church went too far?”

A friend yelled, “It’s like I’m talking to myself here!”
Another friend replied, “Maybe if you were, you’d realize how silly you sound.”

On their first date, my grandpa was working the register at a sub shop. Trying to flirt, he told my grandma, “How’d you get through life looking so ugly?” She replied, “I don’t know, but you’ve been doing it longer.”
They’ve been happily married ever sinc

At the movies with friends, we realized we were the oldest people there. Before the previews, kids in the back started making silly noises, one after another. I said, “Jeez, this is getting old.”
When it quieted down, a kid behind me said, “So are you.”

My grandfather had a handicap placard due to a heart condition. He looked healthy, so when a woman told him, “You don’t look handicapped,” he replied, “You don’t look like an unpleasant person either.”

I made a dumb joke with friends and said, “What can I say, I’m a funny guy!”
Friend: “Yes, but looks aren’t everything.”

At Thanksgiving, my cousin teased my 10-year-old nephew, “Looks like you’re gaining weight.” Without hesitation, the kid said, “Looks like you have diabetes.” The cousin, over 300 pounds, hasn’t visited since.

Cop: “You look suspicious.”
Person: “Is looking suspicious a misdemeanor, or a felony?”

Female friend: “I’ll just marry a doctor and be a trophy wife.”
Male friend: “They don’t give trophies for last place.”

A friend said he and his wife were expecting. I told him to name the baby after me. He replied, “I would, but ‘stupid’ doesn’t really work with our last name.”

At a Secret Santa exchange, a guy got British currency for his collection. A girl said it was a stupid gift. I said, “Karen, don’t be mean. He just didn’t want you to be the only one gaining 20 pounds this semester.”

Two 5th graders told a kindergartener Santa wasn’t real. He replied, “Santa brings me presents. If he doesn’t bring you any, maybe think about why.”

I was adopted at 4 months old. My younger brother once screamed, “You’re not my real brother!”
Me: “True. Mom and Dad chose me. They were stuck with you.”

My friend’s dad teased me about my pink hair. I said, “At least mine’s not white.” He looked offended.

Before visiting my partner’s parents in Perth, his dad joked about slipping cocaine into my bag. I said, “I didn’t know being a criminal was still a requirement to get in.”

“Have you always been this silly, or did you take lessons?”

A friend replies to anyone rudely saying “Excuse me!” with: “There’s no excuse for you.”

Mom: “When I was your age, I refused to date any boy with shorter hair than mine.”
Dad: “Wow, how short was your hair?”

Professor: “You’re not very far from a fool.”
Student: “No ma’am, just two rows and a desk.” Then he stood up, left, and dropped the class.

Dad bragged, “The nurses said I look great for 65.” Me: “You were there for a colonoscopy, are you sure they were looking at your face?”

The post 20 Witty Comebacks That Shut Things Down Instantly appeared first on Barnorama.

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

“People tell me I’m condescending…”

Leans in real close

“That means I talk down to people. “

I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.

A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

I have an L shaped couch… Lower case.

You’ve gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

You’d have to be really low to pickpocket a midget.

Am I the only one who realizes that blackboards are truly remarkable?

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I was so surprised when the stationary store moved

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex, last night, she called me from the motel.

I need constant reassurance, right?

How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning? All the red flags.

Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as I thought i was?

Alcoholics don’t run in my family – they mostly stumble around and bump into things.

I deleted all my German friends from my phone

Now it’s hans free.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I knew this guy who opened an origami business… but then it folded.

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