20 Witty Comebacks That Shut Things Down Instantly

Some people were born with quick tongues and zero hesitation – these comebacks prove timing and wit can be lethal weapons.

FOX5 host: “Don’t you think you went too far with Catholic Church jokes?”
Bill Burr: “Don’t you think the Catholic Church went too far?”

A friend yelled, “It’s like I’m talking to myself here!”
Another friend replied, “Maybe if you were, you’d realize how silly you sound.”

On their first date, my grandpa was working the register at a sub shop. Trying to flirt, he told my grandma, “How’d you get through life looking so ugly?” She replied, “I don’t know, but you’ve been doing it longer.”
They’ve been happily married ever sinc

At the movies with friends, we realized we were the oldest people there. Before the previews, kids in the back started making silly noises, one after another. I said, “Jeez, this is getting old.”
When it quieted down, a kid behind me said, “So are you.”

My grandfather had a handicap placard due to a heart condition. He looked healthy, so when a woman told him, “You don’t look handicapped,” he replied, “You don’t look like an unpleasant person either.”

I made a dumb joke with friends and said, “What can I say, I’m a funny guy!”
Friend: “Yes, but looks aren’t everything.”

At Thanksgiving, my cousin teased my 10-year-old nephew, “Looks like you’re gaining weight.” Without hesitation, the kid said, “Looks like you have diabetes.” The cousin, over 300 pounds, hasn’t visited since.

Cop: “You look suspicious.”
Person: “Is looking suspicious a misdemeanor, or a felony?”

Female friend: “I’ll just marry a doctor and be a trophy wife.”
Male friend: “They don’t give trophies for last place.”

A friend said he and his wife were expecting. I told him to name the baby after me. He replied, “I would, but ‘stupid’ doesn’t really work with our last name.”

At a Secret Santa exchange, a guy got British currency for his collection. A girl said it was a stupid gift. I said, “Karen, don’t be mean. He just didn’t want you to be the only one gaining 20 pounds this semester.”

Two 5th graders told a kindergartener Santa wasn’t real. He replied, “Santa brings me presents. If he doesn’t bring you any, maybe think about why.”

I was adopted at 4 months old. My younger brother once screamed, “You’re not my real brother!”
Me: “True. Mom and Dad chose me. They were stuck with you.”

My friend’s dad teased me about my pink hair. I said, “At least mine’s not white.” He looked offended.

Before visiting my partner’s parents in Perth, his dad joked about slipping cocaine into my bag. I said, “I didn’t know being a criminal was still a requirement to get in.”

“Have you always been this silly, or did you take lessons?”

A friend replies to anyone rudely saying “Excuse me!” with: “There’s no excuse for you.”

Mom: “When I was your age, I refused to date any boy with shorter hair than mine.”
Dad: “Wow, how short was your hair?”

Professor: “You’re not very far from a fool.”
Student: “No ma’am, just two rows and a desk.” Then he stood up, left, and dropped the class.

Dad bragged, “The nurses said I look great for 65.” Me: “You were there for a colonoscopy, are you sure they were looking at your face?”