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FOX5 host: “Don’t you think you went too far with Catholic Church jokes?”
Bill Burr: “Don’t you think the Catholic Church went too far?”

A friend yelled, “It’s like I’m talking to myself here!”
Another friend replied, “Maybe if you were, you’d realize how silly you sound.”

On their first date, my grandpa was working the register at a sub shop. Trying to flirt, he told my grandma, “How’d you get through life looking so ugly?” She replied, “I don’t know, but you’ve been doing it longer.”
They’ve been happily married ever sinc

At the movies with friends, we realized we were the oldest people there. Before the previews, kids in the back started making silly noises, one after another. I said, “Jeez, this is getting old.”
When it quieted down, a kid behind me said, “So are you.”

My grandfather had a handicap placard due to a heart condition. He looked healthy, so when a woman told him, “You don’t look handicapped,” he replied, “You don’t look like an unpleasant person either.”

I made a dumb joke with friends and said, “What can I say, I’m a funny guy!”
Friend: “Yes, but looks aren’t everything.”

At Thanksgiving, my cousin teased my 10-year-old nephew, “Looks like you’re gaining weight.” Without hesitation, the kid said, “Looks like you have diabetes.” The cousin, over 300 pounds, hasn’t visited since.

Cop: “You look suspicious.”
Person: “Is looking suspicious a misdemeanor, or a felony?”

Female friend: “I’ll just marry a doctor and be a trophy wife.”
Male friend: “They don’t give trophies for last place.”

A friend said he and his wife were expecting. I told him to name the baby after me. He replied, “I would, but ‘stupid’ doesn’t really work with our last name.”

At a Secret Santa exchange, a guy got British currency for his collection. A girl said it was a stupid gift. I said, “Karen, don’t be mean. He just didn’t want you to be the only one gaining 20 pounds this semester.”

Two 5th graders told a kindergartener Santa wasn’t real. He replied, “Santa brings me presents. If he doesn’t bring you any, maybe think about why.”

I was adopted at 4 months old. My younger brother once screamed, “You’re not my real brother!”
Me: “True. Mom and Dad chose me. They were stuck with you.”

My friend’s dad teased me about my pink hair. I said, “At least mine’s not white.” He looked offended.

Before visiting my partner’s parents in Perth, his dad joked about slipping cocaine into my bag. I said, “I didn’t know being a criminal was still a requirement to get in.”

“Have you always been this silly, or did you take lessons?”

A friend replies to anyone rudely saying “Excuse me!” with: “There’s no excuse for you.”

Mom: “When I was your age, I refused to date any boy with shorter hair than mine.”
Dad: “Wow, how short was your hair?”

Professor: “You’re not very far from a fool.”
Student: “No ma’am, just two rows and a desk.” Then he stood up, left, and dropped the class.

Dad bragged, “The nurses said I look great for 65.” Me: “You were there for a colonoscopy, are you sure they were looking at your face?”

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“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

“People tell me I’m condescending…”

Leans in real close

“That means I talk down to people. “

I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.

A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

I have an L shaped couch… Lower case.

You’ve gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

You’d have to be really low to pickpocket a midget.

Am I the only one who realizes that blackboards are truly remarkable?

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I was so surprised when the stationary store moved

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex, last night, she called me from the motel.

I need constant reassurance, right?

How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning? All the red flags.

Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as I thought i was?

Alcoholics don’t run in my family – they mostly stumble around and bump into things.

I deleted all my German friends from my phone

Now it’s hans free.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I knew this guy who opened an origami business… but then it folded.

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