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These are just a few of the home-made funny yet potentially deadly weapons they’re encountering on today’s WTF battlefields.

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It’s good to have the sense of humor of a 13-year-old.

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Case in point. Some of the ads are funny. Some are sad. Others make me want to shake my head, hand out some Darwins and just watch the world burn.

I worry about people sometimes.

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Then I read these actual police blotter reports, and realize, we’re all gonna be fine. Might get concussions from face-palming so hard, but we’ll be fine.

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I am going to preface this entire post with this – I am not a vegan. I prefer the debauchery of red meat with my 120 proof bourbon. You will have to pry that last stick of bacon from my dead, lifeless, Kung-Fu grip. Ok, now that that’s out of the way… Apparently going vegan can have some substantial effects on your sex life (aside from the life shattering embarrassment). Summer is as good a time as any to start making healthy choices, so if you need some inspiration, check out this quick rundown.

Vegans are known to eat foods very high in zinc such as basil, figs, pine nuts, avocados, almonds, asparagus, celery, pumpkin seeds, chickpeas and banana – or what I like to call, rabbit food. Well it’s not so funny any more because zinc has also been shown to cause a chemical reaction in the body which substantially increases libido.

Yeah, that word is disgusting. There is really no way around that. However, here is some sexy science for you: a vegan diet has been shown to improve the smell and taste of body secretions. There’s that word again…

The slimming effects cause by a vegan diet (cutting out all the fatty meats) can dramatically reshape your body. This not only makes you more attractive to prospective lovers, but makes you more confident about yourself and therefor more eager to get naked (which is a key part of sex I’ve been told).

Not only will you feel better about yourself, but you may also perform better. In a recent study, 64% of participants felt significant increases in their energy and vitality when they switched to a vegan diet. Be the energizer bunny in bed.

Dropping meats and substituting fruits and vegetable in their place is like adding natural moisturizers to your diet. Since plants have a far higher water content, you’ll flush out more toxins and impurities, meaning your skin will be softer and more sensitive. It also means less breakouts. Then again, that’s a fetish now or something, right?

Another byproduct of eating more fruits and vegetables, and in turn ingesting more water, is an increase of natural lubrication. Cutting the meat could mean cutting the KY which means a more personal and passionate experience.

As we all know, meat, red meats in particular, cause damage to our cardiovascular system by clogging arteries and preventing proper blood flow. That very same blood flow is crucial for both sets of bits and pieces to function properly. Better blood flow allows women to climax easier and men to get stronger pumps from their love muscles.

Eating meat often means you’re ingesting hormones and antibiotics that can do all sorts of heinous shit to the chemical balance of your body. Chemical imbalances are frequently tied to mood swings, anxiety, depression and low libido. Cutting the meat out of your diet just might make you a happier person which means more smiles. Not bacon though. No one is happier without bacon. It’s science.

I will disavow any knowledge of recommending this if you ever ask me, but here goes. As a substitute for meat soy can have some fairly serious positive impacts on your sex life. Soy isoflavones have been proven to help prostate health, which is crucial for a man’s sexual health. Without a healthy functioning prostate, your libido and fertility plummet through the floor.

Now that we’re through with that…

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This unsuspecting husband just wanted to play some Fallout 4, but his wife decided to go full-on Jigsaw on him and make him work for it.

The first clue seems to point him to his collection of PS4 games…

Fallout 4 being his favorite, he goes for that first.

He was right. Not much of a game…

… oh now she’s just being mean!

She’s actually cleverly placed a famous movie quote into this clue along with the obvious “blu ray”. To the movies we go!

Quite a selection here. Did you figure out that quote yet?

Data in ‘The Goonies’ actually says, “Did you really think that I would be stupid enough to kill myself?”

I feel like a Baby ruth now.

Thank god that’s over. Now for some gaming….

You can’t be serious. Another clue:

“Find your game in the book that reads like stereo instruction.”

This is another movie quote. Can you figure it out?

The Handbook for the Recently Deceased is famously portrayed in Beetlejuice where one of the titles characters proclaims it reads “like stereo instructions.”

Voila!

Nothing like having to work for your game time.

Well played. Now to plot revenge….

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That’s the story of these guys. The intentions were there, the motivations noble, but something didn’t quite get worked out beforehand and now, they’ve become the subject of anecdotes, morality tales and punchlines.

Inventing is a dangerous job.

Thomas Midgley Jr.
Midgley Jr. was a chemist who had a lot of success solving a lot of tough car issues while working for General Motors. One such idea was coming up with the additives that were put in gasoline to avoid engine knocking, as well as coming up with leaded gasoline and chlorofluorocarbons (CFS), which is the reason we’re losing our ozone layer, but hey, at least your car doesn’t sound like it’s chewing softballs under the hood, right?

Ironically, his death had nothing to do with his day job. He contracted polio late in life, so he invented a series of harnesses to get him in and out of bed. One day, his invention, the one that was supposed to help, decided to strangle him in his bed.

Sabin Arnold von Sochocky
This awesomely named gentleman invented glow-in-the-dark paint, which he called Undark. He had a successful factory creating thousands of glowing watch dials a day until his workers started to drop dead. Turns out, his product glowed because it was radioactive.

Sochocky himself succumbed to radiation poisoning from his factory in 1928, and it was only by WW2 that the dangers of radioactivity were truly understood and everyone know how dangerous it was. The site of his factory was quarantined in 1983 and took until last year to be truly decontaminated.

Henry Winstanley
Winstanley is credited with inventing the offshore lighthouse in 1698 and used 50 candles and mirrors. He saved countless lives until one day, during an event we now call The Great Storm, he went outside to repair his lighthouse and it collapsed on him.

Fred Duesenberg
The Duesenberg bothers, Fred and August were known for building fine German cars. They built their first car in 1904 and by the 20’s, their cars were winning at the Indy 500. It seemed like the Duesenberg auto brand was on its way up until Fred D was driving one of his cars at a high speed on a mountain road and flipped it. The crash didn’t kill him, but the resulting pneumonia did.

Perilllos of Athens
Perillos is the inventor of one of the most notorious and heinous tourture/execution methods of Ancient Greece – the Brazen Bull. This was a bronze sculpture that you’d put a criminal in, set ablaze and let his screams of roasting alive come from the bulls nostrils.

He went to demonstrate this to a Sicilian nobleman Phalaris, who didn’t believe it’d work, so Perillos went inside the bull to demonstrate. Phalaris’ henchmen locked the bull and lit it on fire, roasting the inventor alive.

Henry Smolinski
Though it wasn’t the first prototype of a flying car, this was the most notorious. In the 19070’s, Smolinsky thought it’d be fun to attach wings and a giant Cessna propeller onto a Ford Pinto, which already was one of the most dangerous commercial vehicles invented.

He and his partner actually had some successful test flights, but there was one issue. The wings were detachable, and during a routine test flight in 1973, the wings actually fell off, causing them to plummet to the ground in a hatchback known for exploding.

Smart.

William Nelson
Nelson, an engineer for General Electric, invented a motor attachment for a standard bike in 1903. He went to demonstrate it, gained too much speed going down a hill and crashed, getting killed instantly.

Louis Slotin
Further proof that dudes in the 40s and 50’s were unadulterated badasses, Louis Slotin helped build the first atomic bomb. When he was giving a demonstration of a procedure called “ticking the dragon’s tail,” he brought a nuclear core to the brink of detonation, then back – most likely casually smoking in his Raybans.

There was a blue flash of light, and Slotin’s body received 4x the lethal dose of radiation, giving him internal 3D sunburns and killing him 9 days later.

Valerian Abakovsky
Keeping up the tradition of strapping engine parts to things that don’t need them, this Russian gentleman put a propeller on a rail car and made a journey between Moscow and another town, and while it shook and seemed dangerous, they made it.

On the way back, however, physics took over and the train car derailed at a high rate of speed and Abakovky and other Russian officials were killed.

Horace Hunley
Hunley was an engineer and a Confederate solider who built a prototype submarine for the South in 1862. After a succession of failed attempts, he finally had one that could fit 8 crewmen and he went out a test run and the submarine sank with Hunley on it. The Confederates salvaged it, renamed it and tried to repurpose it and it sank again.

It was the only invention that not only killed it’s inventor, it also killed more of its own crew than the enemy.

Alexander Bogdanov
If you’ve ever had to get a blood transfusion, this is the guy to thank. While he didn’t invent all the components of it, he was using blood transfusions in an experimental capacity to discover rejuvenation and youth, until he was injected with a blood sample that was incompatible with his blood type. Other accounts claim that the blood was infected with malaria and TB as well, so it was a trifecta of stupidity that killed him.

Max Valier
This 1920’s rocket scientist was literally that. He’d attach black powder rockets to anything – gliders, sleds and race cars. But when that wasn’t fast enough, he started to play around with liquid rocket fuel.

One day, as he was testing his liquid rocket fuel-powered car, it exploded and sent a piece of shrapnel flying into his heart.

Franz Reichert
This Austrian-born Frenchman had big, brass ones that cannot be measured. He was a tailor and designed a parachute/flightsuit/jacket combo. He invited the press and a film crew to the Eiffel Tower for a demonstration in the winter of 1912. Originally planning to use a dummy, Rreichelt decided to test the coat himself.

Expecting to float to the pavement like a flying squirrel, instead he plummeted to the ground, dying instantly.

Thomas Andrews Jr.
Thomas Andrews Jr. was the managing director and head designer of the Harland and Wolff shipyard in Belfast Ireland; the company responsible for building the Titanic.

It was his design that led tot the flaws in the ship, and thus, he helped evacuate those he could and ended up heroically going down with the ship.

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During the mid-1800’s, hot air balloons were all the rage when it came to the circus. Albeit nothing super special nowadays, during these times anything to do with flight was simply jaw dropping. Furthermore, some circuses would perform tricks while floating in air balloons, even going as far as bringing wild animals aboard.

A big part of the circus is the live animal shows. However, animals performing tricks in front of a live audience didn’t start with the circus. Elephants were initially part of live plays that were highly successful in London before circus acts started using them as a way to bring in larger crowds. Eventually, lions, bears and the like were added into circus acts.

The father of the modern circus, Philip Astley, had initially referred to his show as ‘The Amphitheatre.’ He chose the name because it sounded sophisticated. However, the term ‘circus’ became more and more prominent after famed showman Charles Hughes put on a show he called ‘The Royal Circus.’ Over time, the name stuck.

John Wilkes Booth, president Lincoln’s assassin, was born in America because of a fight his father had with a circus performer in Liverpool. The fight resulted in some bad injuries, which prompted J.B. Booth to flee to the states with his wife, where they would then give birth to John.

Although nowadays we expect a lot out of circus performers, back in the day, leaping was all the rage. Yes, leaping. Jumping over animals, people, and large objects was something that proved to be one of the main attractions of a circus. It also introduced one of the great old tricks of the circus: hidden spring boards and trampolines.

During the early days of the modern circus (c. 1760s) it was not uncommon for the pre-circus parade to be even more of a spectacle than the show itself. Parades were held as the circus made its way into town to set up the tents, and were so massive and entertaining that some guests wouldn’t even attend the actual show as they felt they have gotten enough from the parade.

By the mid-nineteenth century, circuses consisted mostly of clowns, contortionists, jugglers, animal acts, and acrobats.

A massive tent fire in 1944 that took the lives of 168 people resulted in the implementation of fire exit regulations as well as regulations for temporary structures. Since that massive fire there have been zero lives claimed in a commercial tent fire.

The circus received more printed press and advertising than any other form of entertainment in America before it. It was said that the Ringling Bros were posting nearly 10,000 posters a day by 1915 in order to promote their show. In fact, there would even be little ‘turf wars’ between rival circuses over who gets to post where.

At one point during the mid 19th century, there was a floating circus that travelled up and down the Ohio and Mississippi rivers. Until it was shut down due to the civil war, the floating show featured all the perks of a regular circus, with a lot less packing and unpacking for the performers.

The song ‘Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite!’ by The Beatles was written nearly word for word from an old circus poster that John Lennon owned.

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Men in Italy can be fined for wearing a skirt in public.

Men urinating in Amsterdam’s canals are liable to be arrested.

In Madrid, asking somebody the time between 3:29 PM and 6:47 PM is illegal.

Originally introduced to prevent train delays, kissing on French platforms is technically against the law.

The Swiss are not allowed to hang their washing out on a Sunday.

In Denmark, attempting to break out of jail isn’t illegal.

A law banning French woman from wearing pants is technically in place.

German law dictates that all office windows must have a view of the sky.

The head of any dead whale found washed up on the shores of the British Isles belongs to the King. The tail, by contrast, belongs to the queen.

Anyway practicing witchcraft in Ireland is liable for jail time under blasphemy laws.

In the Italian city of Turin, it is legally mandated that each dog must be walked at least 3 times per day.

In Belgium, a street musician can be arrested for playing off-key.

European Union law dictates that any horse kept as a pet may not be eaten..by its owner.

It is illegal to be drunk in a U.K pub.
Sure….

If the Öresund Strait freezes and a Swede walks over to Denmark, Danes are allowed to hit him/her with a stick.

In Germany, during Oktoberfest, no one is ever legally drunk no matter how much alcohol they consume.

An ancient Norwegian law mandates that every male must go on rape and pillaging expeditions every 5 years.

Coupons are banned in Greece.

It is illegal to run put of gasoline on the German Autobahn.

No pig on France may be named Napoleon.

Swedes must submit planning permission and gain a licensed to paint the exterior of their homes.

In Portugal, urinating the sea is strictly forbidden.

Finnish taxi drivers must purchase a license to play music to their customers.

In Iceland, if you wish to own a dog in an apartment building, you must get permission from every other member of the building.

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And what we have here might be the most honest note that parents have ever left for a babysitter. The babysitter’s boyfriend tweeted out the rules and tips his girlfriend got.

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