Slime of Satan, I command thee: BEGONE.
Mayonnaise is made out of oil and uncooked* egg yolks. It’s essentially raw, greasy eggs.
Mayo is the sandwich-killer.
It has ruined countless tuna salads throughout history.
Mayo destroyed an entire generation of American dinners.
When people put mayo on fries it’s like they think I won’t notice that it’s just nasty, bleached-out fake ketchup.
It constantly has to reassure you that it’s “REAL.”
You shouldn’t want to eat anything that comes in this container.
What a dumb name. Who even knows what “mayonnaise” means?
Mayo is an attention-seeking brat, constantly popping up in places where it Should Not Be.
Like, really should not be.
GET OFF MY PIZZA.
Squeeze bottles of mayo are the grossest thing on earth.
Look at that squeezed-out mayo. It looks like WORMS.
Mayo fuels the most obnoxious kind of gentrification.
And it always tries to monopolize Ryan Gosling.
It’s basically just an instrument of torture.
For example, this is the worst thing you can do to another human being.
Well, no, maybe this is.
It makes people behave like animals.
It encourages theft.
And for what? It doesn’t even have any meat in it.
There are tons of other things you can put on a sandwich that are healthier and taste better.
So, in conclusion: