Wednesday , 18 October 2017

Things Parents Do That Scare You About Having Kids

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Overshare about how their sex life changed after kids.

Talk about how much money it costs to raise a kid.

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“Did you see that study that says it now costs a quarter of a million dollars to raise a kid?”

Make a big deal about all of the diapers they’ve had to change.

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Also, tell you in great detail about a time their kid peed or pooped on them.

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Be a buzzkill whenever you talk about how excited you are to have kids.


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You: “I can’t wait to have a little girl so I can buy her an American Girl doll!”
Them: “You wouldn’t say that if you knew what those dolls cost.”

Tell women holding tiny clutches that one day their purses will look like this:

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Painfully recount the misery of childbirth.

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You were uncomfortable even before they got to “episiotomy.”

Tell nightmarish stories about trips to Chuck E Cheese’s.

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Rant about how hard it is to stay in shape.

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Complain about having to help their kids with homework.

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“I thought I’d left Geometry behind when I graduated from high school,” they say with a laugh as your ovaries/testicles shrink.

Brag about their lack of a social life.

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Look exhausted pretty much all of the time.

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This is even true, or should I say is especially true, on Monday mornings.

Claim not to remember the last time they were able to read a book.

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Constantly wipe their kids’ runny noses.

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Sometimes even with their bare hand.

Be totally okay with the fact they’ve lost touch with current music.

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Post photos of their kids throwing tantrums.

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Usually with a cutesy caption like, “Somebody was having a bad day.”

Casually mention the unholy hour their kids woke them up on the weekends.

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Attend children’s birthday parties just about every weekend.

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Watch their kids play sports every weekend, too.

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“What did you do this weekend?” you ask. “Well, there was Tommy’s 7th Birthday, a T-ball game, and, uh, that was it.”

Possess an encyclopedic knowledge of children’s shows.

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Try to convince you that children’s characters like Barney are actually pretty great.

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“I used to hate Barney before I had kids, but I’ve come around to him. He’s great for children, and pretty funny if you give him a chance!”

Not care one bit about how embarrassing they are.

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And lastly, give you all kinds of crap for saying you don’t know if you want kids.

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Even after all of that.

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