Saturday , 25 November 2017

Things That Inevitably Happen When You Start Getting In Shape

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 Your new favorite activity (besides working out, obvs): fondling your own muscles in self-satisfaction when you’re bored.

Heavy things now feel so…light.

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You can say “I didn’t know my own strength” with sincere incredulity.

Somehow you’re able to climb flights and flights of stairs without feeling winded.

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Normally, you’d be holding onto the banister for dear life while dry heaving after staircase 1.

Probably because you feel a lightness akin to moon gravity.

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Your new level of energy knows no bounds.

None of your clothes fit anymore.

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For better or for worse, depending on how much money is in your bank account.

You actually crave healthy food.

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MMMM, nothing like a giant bowl of crisp, delicious roughage.

But you also know that if you eat something terrible, it won’t matter.

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Metabolism, yo.

Speaking of food, is it lunch time yet?

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Because you’re never NOT hungry.

Your healthy habits are starting to rub off on everyone around you.

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The people who once shamed you for avoiding the fried chicken at the Super Bowl party and heading to the gym instead of happy hour are now asking you for advice on how to live their lives.

You sleep good. Soooo good.

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You fall into bed and pass out into a violent puff of exhaustion. No more perusing random articles about occult murders on Wikipedia at 4 a.m.

You realize there are veins you never knew existed.

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You are a Master of Vascular.

You can actually hear your body talk.

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If you eat something disagreeable or get a little less sleep than usual, your body knows what’s up because it is no longer a den of garbage.

The combination of endorphins and confidence results in the best sex of your goddamned life.

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The best things in life make you sweaty.

You’ve never had to deal with this much dirty laundry.

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And if you don’t keep on top of it, you risk everything you own smelling like ass sweat.

Two words: mental clarity.

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All that mucilage sloshing around in your brain has been miraculously siphoned out and replaced with the lyrical sound of your own thoughts.

BIGGER AND BETTER POOPS FTW.

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You’ve never known true catharsis until now.

You get hangovers after one beer.

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Ohhhhhhh god. Guess you’re NOT going to the gym today.

Feeling sore is such a surprisingly satisfying feeling.

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You revel in lactic acid.

You are now officially a morning person.

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Coffee who?

Fresh air never felt so good.

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Going outside and really breathing it all in gives you a renewed sense of self, now that you’re hyperaware of the air flowing through your body.

Your newfound addiction to working out has helped you kick all your other vices.

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Now that you actually work out your lungs, it no longer feels good to fill them with toxic smoke.

Your skin hasn’t looked this good since you were in elementary school.

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Regularly working up a sweat has really sucked your pores clean.

The realization that you’ve reached the threshold where working out is not a chore — you legitimately enjoy it.

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The old you would never have believed you, but working out is FUN now that all your hard work has paid off.