The 21 Most Important Celebrity Bulges Of All Time

Bulge Rating: 3 out of 5 Jon Hamms

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8. The Jensen Ackles

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Why it’s important: This supernatural bulge put its head on the line to represent bulges on television during a time when bulges were highly underrepresented. With the help of a tight wardrobe, Ackles proved you can be packing despite working on a show called Smallville.

Bulge Rating: 3 out of 5 Jon Hamms

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7. The Shemar Moore

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Why it’s important: Moore’s bulge has taught us two important life lessons:

1. It’s what’s underneath that counts.
2. You can never hide who you truly are.

WE CAN LEARN FROM THE BULGES.

Bulge Rating: 3½ out of 5 Jon Hamms

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6. The Kellan Lutz

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Why it’s important: From sporting workout attire to designer clothes, The Lulge will be sure to make itself present no matter the apparel. This is one bulge that truly keeps on giving around the c(l)ock.

Bulge Rating: 3½ out of 5 Jon Hamms

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5. The Michael Fassbender

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Why it’s important: Michael’s fasshionable meat locker is easily the best-dressed bulge out there. This is one bad bulge you wouldn’t be afraid take to home to meet the parents.

Bulge Rating: 4 out of 5 Jon Hamms

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4. The Cristiano Ronaldo

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Why it’s important: The thought of playing with soccer balls was far less appealing before Ronaldo’s bulge first came onto the field and into our hearts.

Bulge Rating: 4 out of 5 Jon Hamms

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3. The Zachary Quinto

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Why it’s important: DO YOU SEE THAT?! HAROLD, DO YOU SEE THAT BULGE?! Who wouldn’t want to Trek into the darkness with this bulge?

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2. The Justin Theroux

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Why it’s important: This active bulge is threouxghly the most enjoyable bulge to watch. Once set in motion, its girth and shock factor make for an unforgettable and hypnotizing sway as it slaps against the surrounding thighs.

Bulge Rating: 4½ out of 5 Jon Hamms

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1. The Mark Wahlberg

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Why it’s important: You would think the pressures of being the hottest bulge in Hollywood would be too much to handle, but not for Marky’s Mark! This perfectly symmetrical bulge stands erected next to Hamm’s as the most important bulge of all time. If you’ve got it, flaunt it.

Bulge Rating: IT’S HAMMER TIME

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And a special thank you to the Bulge Father who started it all:

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Bulgography: Jon Hamm has courageously outlined a way for all other bulges to finally get the attention they deserve. This post would not have been possible without this draping masterpiece and its total disregard for underwear.

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