The Coolest Things I Never Got As A Kid

Most of us were kids once, which means we spent Christmases pining over the latest, coolest, most complicated and biggest choking hazard toys of the season. It’s true, we should all be glad and thankful for what we did get and I am, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still a little bit bitter that Tommy from next door literally got everything he wanted each year while my sister and I got pet rocks. My pet rock ran away, unfortunately… right through Tommy’s window. Bad rock! Bad! Anyway, take a walk down memory lane and my depressing childhood as I list some of the things I wanted and never got for Christmas as a kid. Mom and dad, if you’re reading this, thanks for everything you did for us growing up.

80s toys were superior to every other decade and it’s not even close. Fight me! Look at this thing! A friggin dinosaur with friggin lazer beams attached to its head! Honestly, I probably would have swallowed part of this and choked. Thanks for having my back on this one, mom.

Dream big, kids! The Fall Guy truck. Yeah, I was too young to drive in the 80s but that didn’t keep me from fantasizing about jumping cliffs in a jacked up Chevy!

If you were a kid in the 80s and didn’t want one of these BMX bikes just get out. I think I wound up getting some Walmart knock off that I legit rode the tires off of, but I never got the real deal. It’s still a sore spot to this day.

I wanted ALL the Legos. I got some…

Seriously though, I wanted ALL THE LEGOS. It didn’t help that one of my friends had all the legos…

Yes I was an 80s kid. No I never had a big wheel. Personally, I think that qualified as child abuse back then.

I was into all sorts of shit as a kid. One minute I was climbing trees and enjoying the great outdoors, the next I was building some new creation with legos in my room. We could never afford the more exotic and exclusive gifts like these, but I made due.

“I have the POWERRRRRRR” but I didn’t have any he-man toys because reasons…

I did have some GI Joes, many of which I shoplifted before (and after) being caught red-handed in Walmart, but I never got the metallic dome Destro I always wanted. I heard these are collector’s items now. You hear that, mom! I coulda been rich!

Teddy Ruxpin. Real talk: This shit is creepy as fuck now. Those dead robot eyes and the creepy robotic little boy voice… Also real talk: I must have been creepy as fuck as a kid cause I wanted one of these so bad.

As far as tag-team, super hero buddy dream, make my young toy obsessed heart cream, Voltron was number one. Yet another fantasy that went unfulfilled.

The nostalgia is strong with this one. I’d love to own this still.

What red-blodded American boy wouldn’t want to shove his hand in the puppet asshole of his own flying superhero insect?! Mom said, “Just make your own out of a sock.”

Yes, I am literally the only kid on the planet that never got a Lite-Brite. Im not sure if it was the fire hazard (I was a little pyro) or the fact that I was a complete idiot and probably wouldn’t have been able to figure it out.

It’s not just a skateboard mom… It’s a VISION skateboard. No, it’s not the same.

I would have gladly spent Christmas alone if it meant I got a talkboy. What am I sayin, I did spend Christmases alone, talking to myself, as a young boy… Same same.

It’s not all doom and Christmas present gloom in this nostalgia fest. I did get the original NES the Christmas it came out. It’s one of my fondest memories. Unfortunately, that well dried up before the Super Nintendo came out. Luckily every. kid. I. knew. had one so I still got to rage quit Golden Eye among my friends.

It’s a friggin talking robot! Nuff’ said. It was the 80s. This was cutting edge shit.

Pound Puppies were the one stuffed animal even boys could have and still be cool and not be wussies. At least, that’s what the commercial made it seem like. My dad didn’t agree.

Yeah, so this was a pipe dream day one, but I’m still waiting for Santa to leave me a Porsche.