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"Teenagers are just kids. It’s something I quite literally was not capable of understanding until I wasn’t a teenager anymore. When I was a teenager I felt soooo grown up."

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“Creep” by Radiohead (1993), “…Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears (1998), “Enter Sandman” by Metallica (1991)...

"I once asked a girl, “Where have you been all my life?” Her response was, “I don’t know, but I wish I was still there.”"

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I went home early, didn’t finish my shift, because f@#k em. But when I got home I decided to call my local OSHA inspector and report them for not having a certified operator on staff, as well as numerous other hazards.

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"When I saw my dad, naked, filling my stocking (not a euphemism.)"

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

"Has anyone tried to learn to do a handstand as an adult? How is that SO DIFFICULT"

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So I was hunting for a rental house for the valentines day weekend and wasn’t finding much, so I popped into the local Craigslist page and found a place at a decent but very believable price.

"Julie is very big into fad diets (Atkins, keto, South Beach) and every year she sends me a list of foods that she cannot eat and a list of things that she can."